What Happens in Vegas stars Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher.

Now, everyone who ever saw Ms Diaz make her debut in ‘The Mask’ knows why this girl is a star. She can sing, she can dance, and she was a genuine stunner. I say was, because these days she looks more like a model from one of those ‘Campaign for Real Beauty’ ads. But any red-blooded male still would, given half a chance.

But Mr Kutcher? He’s got no perceivable charm. He acts like I mow the lawn – with a look of distress plastered to my face with the glue of fear. In my case it’s fear of losing a toe to a hover mower. In Mr K’s case, one can only speculate. Perhaps it’s worry over it being disclosed that he wasn’t even the best actor in ‘That 70s Show’?

That series, and the later Candid Camera clone ‘Punked’ are, as far as I can tell, the only entries on the Kutcher CV. This renders it truly astonishing that so many ‘Punked’ celebrities consider him a fellow entertainer. He’s very well connected in Hollywood, apparently. Again, the reason remains a mystery. His only discernable talent on the evidence of ‘What Happens in Vegas’ is his amazing ability to render the silver screen a charisma-free zone whenever he’s on it. 

Having got that off my chest, it should be said that this isn’t the worst romcom ever made. No. That honour goes to ‘Sweet Home Alabama’. ‘What Happens in Vegas’  is, however, pretty light on the rom, and there’s precious little com.

The basic story is that laid-back Kutcher and up-tight Diaz meet up and go nuts for a night in Vegas. They wake up with hangovers and are now married (just like Ross and Rachel in that Friends storyline). Diaz throws a coin at Kutcher, he contemptuously throws it into a slot machine and wins $3million. Suddenly, being married has never made so much sense.

She claims half the cash, he takes it to court. The judge sentences them to living together for six months before a decision is made. You can guess the rest. It’s as easy to watch and predictable as an episode of Scooby Doo. You can almost sing along as the inevitable plot points unfold.

In its favour, ‘What Happens in Vegas’ made me smile at least twice (that’s two more times than Sweet Home Alabama). This means that as a first date movie it’s right up there with the other thousand romcoms you’ve watched and forgotten about before the end credits have rolled.

If this review was body language I’d be shrugging one shoulder and waggling an outstretched hand whilst saying ‘Meh’.