That's obviously the theme tune to The X Factor, not Jaws.

WE'VE GOT THE X FACTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Sorry, it's been a life-long dream of mine to stand in a crowd of hundreds of idiots and say that to a big camera in the sky and since I have never auditioned for this complete shitshow and probably never will I decided to do it here.

So yes, as you may have heard, there's a charming little show back on the telly which is unique and definitely nothing like Pop Idol (RIP) and it's called The X Factor. And it's all about these people who sing songs in front of mean people and then they either progress or go away and then one of them wins and then all these fireworks go off. Sorry, should have said SPOILER ALERT at the start of that sentence there.

It was Auditions Week One this week and my golly gosh wasn't it just a splendid way to spend an hour? The answer to that question is of course "KIND OF". And here's why.

YES IT WAS: Cheryl Tweedy is a person of such radiant beauty that I found I could not look directly at her. Seriously, the girl is a ride.

NO IT WASN'T: Kylie's sister is still there.

YES IT WAS: There was some good singing going on, from the woman who was in jail and all (I'll call her Crack Momma) and the butterface chap from that Boys Will Be Girls thing that I definitely didn't watch every episode of a couple of years ago on E4. He sang End of the Road but it certainly wasn't the end of the road for him!!!!!!!!! That was a little journalistic play on words there.

NO IT WASN'T: There was pretty crap singing going on aswell, and not just from the omgtheyrcrap assortment of oddities, but from people who the judges liked. The black boyband just scream Judges' Houses (and no further) and the girl from Bridgend who is the only person alive there now wasn't all that. What was up with that by the way? Even I found it tasteless.

YES IT WAS: It was a bit of a Mariahfest, well if 'fest' can mean that two songs of hers were featured. One being We Belong Together as sung by Dreamtime (who were just boringly bad) and then I'm sure they had the bridge of her #129 hit Through the Rain at one point. I love me some Mariah.

NO IT WASN'T: The whole Nikk thing, you know, the chap who auditioned with Cheryl on Popstars: The Rivals six years ago. Right what the fuck? Firstly, Louis, you judged this guy ever week on national TV and now pretend you don't know him? Secondly, no he didn't go straight to singing in clubs after the show, he was in a boyband called Phixx which had a couple of Top 20 hits, released an album (just in South Africa but still), and were arguably more successful (or at least lasted longer) than One True Voice, the 'winners'' boyband. Ugh. I'm glad he didn't get through though, as he was a bit shite like.

So those are the reasons for why it was kind of a pretty good opener. There may have been more but I can't really be expected to remember what happened a few days ago.

And anyway the auditions are like totally the worst bit. Bring on boot camp.

But in the meantime, Week Two will have to do. Stay tuned.