9:00 Oh look, some local yobs have pelted the Big Brother door with purple paint, completely destroying the logo! Someone had better scrub that off.

 

9:01 Nice coat Dermot.

 

9:01 Pretty brave attempt at making the fact that the series is only going to be on e4 seem like a good thing.

 

9:02 Why no house tour? Davina always used to do a house tour. Fire Dermot immediately – I don’t care if he has a nice coat.

 

9:03 Dermot looks slightly panicked when Matt Lucas mentions cutting a dog in half. Understandably.

 

9:04 Hmmm, pointless audition montage. Kettle-putting-on time.

 

9:12 “How loud you can play your CD at night-time is politics” – wow so it does affect my and other young people’s lives. Thanks for letting me know, pudgy ginger Scottish person who is wearing a kilt just in case the whole Scottish angle doesn’t come across.

 

9:13 The gurriers have attacked the lovely black car with their purple paint. I am just appalled.

 

9:15 How can this Scottish person be 19-21? He looks like my Uncle Tom, and he’s like fifty or something.

 

9:17 The earpiece is in – I smell some high-larious antics on the horizon. Hold onto your hats viewers.

 

9:19 Please God don’t let this Diary Room bit turn into a Sharon Stone moment.

 

9:20 “This! Is! Brilliant!!!” says Dermot, almost collpasing. The audience say “Er…”

 

9:21 New housemate. Kooky posh musician girl who does ‘funky house’. She says, “It’s such a good feeling when you write a good song and people go ‘Yeah that was a good song’”. Talented and articulate then.

 

9:22 She’s not going to engage in anything involving “bottles in the garden”. I miss Kinga.

 

9:23 The mob are bored already, barely raising a ‘woo’ when she gets out of the car.

 

9:25 “I like your hair… I like some of it” says John to Calista. I am mildly amused.

 

9:26 Dermot is continuing the hard sell – “It’s brilliant. It’s genius.” Dermot I’m already watching, give it a rest. Nice gloves though.

 

9:26 Boxer VT. He gets excited when he sees the first bit of blood tricking down his opponent’s nose. Nice. He also uses “intrinsically” in the correct context, which comes as quite a shock. I would have said “ostensibly”, but whatever.

 

9:28 Wasn’t he in Blazin’ Squad?

 

9:31 Oh this is quite uncomfortable, watching John trying to massage the boxer’s shoulders. Crinnnnnge.

 

9:32 Dermot begs the audience to give John a round of applause after three excruciating seconds of silence.

 

9:37 It’s the Same Difference of the circus world!

 

9:38 Circus girl was born in Birmingham. The Latvian accent must be for show. 

 

9:40 If only there was an equivalent chance of death in Same Difference’s act.

 

9:43 So John has won this whole thing then. Well, unless he experiences a Makosi-esque turning of the tides. Better stay out of the hot tub, then.

 

9:44 Racing car driver. Boring. He’s being booed from the off, which is pleasing.

 

9:45 I’m getting a bit tired of hearing about all these wildly successful people who are much younger than me.

 

9:46 John’s face has been on my screen for far longer than I would have chosen this evening.

 

9:52 Dermot is looking at the wrong camera. I am still campaigning for his immediate dismissal.

 

9:54 I love this artist girl, and I don’t know why. She reminds me of Shell from Big Brother 5. Who I hated actually, but whatever.

 

9:55 Artist girl to win!! Still don’t know why!!

 

9:56 Now I do. She couldn’t find the door. Or maybe she knew where it was but her apparent confusion was just part of a conceptual art installation.

 

9:59 48 seconds until the end of Channel 4 transmission. Am I watching Channel 4? No. Oh well.

 

10:00 Did this guy actually call his album ‘Masterpiece’? But hey, if it got 4 out of 5 in The Sun…

 

10:01 Who was it that used to present this? Davina someone? She was a nice lady.

 

10:03 Crap racing car guy is giving John evils.

 

10:04 This guy has his own business. Is it testing hair straighteners?

 

10:06 He looks terrified. Which is what I am, if you substitute ‘terrified’ for ‘bored’.

 

10:08 This whole ‘cake’ episode is a bit less funny that I think it was meant to be.

 

10:09 “No it’s not fair, but it’s funny”, says Dermot. Nice to see the show’s ethical standpoint remains unimproved.

 

10:13 Is this still on?

 

10:14 Dancer girl proudly proclaims she has been in a Madonna video, a Jamelia video and a Craig David video. Just tell people the Madonna part love.

 

10:15 I do like her. And not just because she has danced with Mariah Carey. But mostly.

 

10:17 “Look at my hair. Look at my hair”, she mutters as she walks down the stairs. I am, and it looks shit.

 

10:19 It would have been amazing if he had actually said “You are a disgrace to the dance world” as he was told to. But he didn’t. Crap.

 

10:20 I can’t tell for sure, but I think this extremely camp and effeminate fashion designer may be a bit gay. HOMOSEXUALS! BAN THIS PROGRAMME!

 

10:21 Nobody is impressed by Amerie being in your fashion show. I am, however, impressed that Beyoncé’s Green Light Remix is playing over your VT but you probably can’t take the credit for that.

 

10:22 Dermot is speaking in a camp manner. HOMOPHOBIA! BAN THIS PROGRAMME!

 

10:23 Jay speaks for us all when he says “What the fuck?”

 

10:26 Here is someone called Jade. On Big Brother. Tempting fate?

 

10:30 John is asking everyone to gather in a circle. Everyone hates him and so nobody is doing it. Still, chins up John, you’ve won the show.

 

10:31 John’s back in the Diary Room and I’m pretty sure I just saw something when he crossed his legs. I don’t want to talk about it.

 

10:32 Shot of arty girl. I LOVE YOU ARTY GIRL!

 

10:33 John has come out of the Diary Room and is explaining to everyone that he’s not a ‘numpty’ after all. Which is a bit weird because he’s acting a lot like one right now. Is it another special task? No? Oh.

 

10:35 Big Mouth is next. I am not watching that.